


bridges burn, i never learn (at least i did one thing right)

by waterybrains



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Lowkey turned into a Charity Dingle Instrospective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:08:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22522999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterybrains/pseuds/waterybrains
Summary: Charity doesn’t know if there’s anything she could say to make it better, isn’t entirely sure there’s anything she could do to stop Vanessa looking so disappointed at her.(Set post the episodes from the week of January 27th-January 31st, 2020)
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 15
Kudos: 84





	bridges burn, i never learn (at least i did one thing right)

It’s late by the time Charity makes it home from her shift. She kicks off her shoes as soon as she’s in the house and she’s relieved to see Vanessa’s coat hanging by the door, and the pair of boots that weren’t there when she got home yesterday are now where they normally are: on top of the messy pile of shoes of different shapes and sizes. A soft hum plays in the front room of her home: there’s a movie playing and an empty mug of tea left on the coffee table but no one around, so she turns the TV off and puts the dirty mug in the sink before creeping upstairs as quietly as she can manage, careful not to make too much noise in case the little boys are asleep.

The house is a bit more lively when she gets upstairs. there are low thumps coming Noah’s room from whatever music he’s listening to, and there’s light coming from Sarah’s room that lets Charity know that she's home. Though it worries her a bit that she can’t hear her a peep from her granddaughter, she tries her best to resist the urge to go in there and check on her, make sure she’s not up to any of her recent teenage antics. She doesn’t have it in her for another big argument with her granddaughter tonight.  
  
She walks down the corridor and pauses outside the younger boys’ room; light spills out from under their door and she can hear Vanessa’s voice imitating the different characters from the boys’ favourite bedtime story. She rests her ear against the door to listen for a little while - savours the sound of laughter bubbling up from her two youngest sons as the pitch of Vanessa’s voice fluctuates. She wants to open the door, join in on the family fun, but there’s something tight in her chest that stops her from turning the knob open. 

She heads to her and Vanessa’s bedroom instead, hops into the shower to wash the smell of stale beer off of her, and when she emerges half an hour later, Vanessa is sitting up on their bed, her reading glasses perched carefully on her nose. She has a book open in front of her - one that’s been abandoned on her bedside table for a few months now - but there's a distant look in Vanessa’s eyes that let's Charity know that her fiancée is focused on anything but the words in front of her.  
  
Charity doesn’t say a word, lets the silence stretch in the space between them as she settles in front of the dressing table so she can go about her nightly routine. On any other night the quiet wouldn’t be out of place. In fact, it’s one of Charity’s favourite things about living with Vanessa: how every moment brings her comfort and fills her with warmth, whether or not a single word is exchanged between them. 

Tonight is different: the tension in the room is _so_ palpable she can feel it pulsing in her veins and there is a loneliness in the absence of noise - it adds to the sinking feeling that's made a home in Charity’s gut since Vanessa had stormed out of the room a couple of days ago.

It hasn’t been the same between them since that day, and Charity doesn’t know if there’s anything she could say to make it better, isn’t entirely sure there’s anything she could do to stop Vanessa looking so disappointed at her.  
  
She gets it, why Vanessa’s so upset, but she doesn’t know what else she’s supposed to have done. She's spent most of her life having to stick to her own guns and lie through her teeth to defend herself - _even when she knows she’s wrong -_ just to survive. Sure, things are different now, but old habits die hard. And she knows Vanessa deserves better than her half-baked lies, but she had still unfairly expected a bit more understanding on Vanessa's part when the truth came out.

Vanessa doesn't owe her anything, and at the end of the day Charity knows that: she had essentially left her at the altar with little-to-no explanation, and no matter how good a reason she had had to miss their wedding, there aren't enough apologies under the sun that could even begin to make-up for how she had treated Vanessa. When the realization of what she had done that day had truly sank in, guilt had washed over her in ways that it hadn’t in a long time, and she _really_ didn’t know how to deal with that.

It had been easier to delay the truth to spare Vanessa’s feelings.   
  
_The lie was only temporary,_ Charity had reasoned with herself, and she didn't make it home until past midnight, so it didn’t feel right to tell Vanessa all about it then. Instead, Charity had exhausted Vanessa with a million apologies until Vanessa fell back asleep, tucked safely in her arms. The next morning had been hectic - a quick blur of getting the younger kids ready for school and nursery while fobbing off the older kids’ suspicious questions with half-assed answers - and by the time they had managed to find some alone time together she had had to run over to the pub to start her shift. Vanessa had announced that she was coming with Charity to work, and they had walked hand-in-hand across the village.

For a moment Charity had actually thought that everything would be just _fine_. 

But then in the middle of her shift, Vanessa started hounding her with a billion questions and kept shooting her suspicious looks. It made her feel something she hasn’t felt in a long time - but that's no excuse, even then Charity had known lying to Vanessa’s face wasn’t the right thing to do - but they had been so out in the open and anyone could’ve overheard their conversation, and the last thing Charity wanted was to throw her own son under the bus. 

So she lied through her teeth instead. Did the _one_ thing she promised Vanessa she would never do again.  
  
But this time was different, because she had given in eventually: told the whole truth even when the fear of Vanessa leaving her again had gripped her from the inside out. She thinks _Charity Dingle telling the whole truth_ should count for something, but Vanessa clearly wasn’t happy - understandably so - and had stormed out immediately after. That had only served to tighten the uncomfortable knot in her chest. Watching Vanessa walk out of the room had reopened her barely-healed-wounds from the last time she had to watch Vanessa angrily storm out of a room, and she really didn't like the feeling that came with it. 

There are no words to describe the relief that Charity had felt when Vanessa still came home that night, and even when Vanessa had spent the last couple of days throwing little passive-aggressive jibes at her whenever she saw a window of opportunity, Charity can’t find it in her to feel anything but glad that her fiancée was still in their home. It _has_ been a few days though, and she is only human; so the relief she had initially felt is slowly wearing off, and an inexplicable feeling of dread takes it place instead. 

Still, for the most part, Charity couldn't care less that Vanessa was mad at her. All that mattered was that Vanessa had listened to her truth and she came home anyway. Even if she didn’t like what she heard.  
  
_She came home_. Then she stayed.

By the time morning rolled around she was _still_ there, and despite the mardy look on her face, it was clear that Vanessa wasn't going anywhere. That was the thing that meant the most to Charity, how even in anger Vanessa hadn’t strayed far from her side, especially when Noah had blamed her for what happened to Graham. Vanessa was still _so_ angry at Charity then, but she put all her feelings aside to reassure their son of Charity's innocence. If nothing else it had proved to Charity that Vanessa actually believes her.  
  
Because she still needs that loyalty proven to her. She's spent her whole life being let down by the people she's supposed to be able to trust so it's no surprise that it's still second-nature for her to assume that everyone else that comes after them would the same. Vanessa is the first person in her life to be different than the rest of them, but years of ingrained-fear doesn't just go away with a snap of her fingers. As much as she hates to admit it, Charity still needs that reassurance. And Vanessa always delivers.

And even after two years of Vanessa single-handedly showing her more kindness than everyone else in her life put together, it still comes as a surprise to Charity whenever she comes face-to-face with Vanessa’s love. Because she’s never known anyone like Vanessa in her life, have never had anyone even half as good as Vanessa by her side.

When she risks taking a glimpse at Vanessa's reflection in the mirror in front of her, she finally decides to stop pushing aside the guilt that’s made a home in her brain and acknowledges it for the first time. She still doesn’t quite know what to do with this feeling though, so she keeps herself busy: takes her time applying her various different night creams, finds that instead of being desperate to crawl into bed so she can be cuddled up against Vanessa, she’s nervous for it instead. She isn't sure when she started feeling this way - like she has to walk on eggshells around the only person who’s ever truly known her. 

She should be married to Vanessa by now, and they should be nauseatingly happy, maybe even off on a little honeymoon somewhere dry and warm - but they're _here_ instead, and Charity feels helpless with the knowledge that there’s very little she can do to change things. She can’t unring the bell. So she avoids the issue instead: takes a bit of extra time fumbling about to clean up after herself when she would normally just leave her pile of dirty clothes on the floor, just to buy herself more time.  
  
It doesn’t help her case at all: if anything, the tension between them grows the longer it takes for Charity to get into bed. She avoids making eye contact when she finally does, lifts the duvet up from her side of the bed and climbs in, careful to leave some space between her and Vanessa.  
  
She racks her brain for what to say, something, _anything_ to break the deafening silence, but she comes up blank. It's not like there's anything she can say that could even begin to make everything up to Vanessa. Not that she even has it in her to try, everything that comes out of her mouth these days just fuels Vanessa’s anger. 

She doesn’t have to think about what to say for long, however, because Vanessa beats her to it, and it seems that the silence has sent her anger over its boiling point.

“Hi, Ness, how was your day, by the way?” Vanessa mocks sarcastically, slamming the book in her hand shut before tossing it ceremoniously on her bedside table. She turns to glare at Charity in a way that makes her want to kiss the scowl off Vanessa’s face if she wasn’t absolutely sure it would make the situation ten times worse.  
  
“You’re still mad at me then.” Charity rolls her eyes, and Vanessa interrupts her before she can even finish her dramatic sigh.  
  
“Course not,” Vanessa says in a fake cheerful tone that she drops instantly, “What reason would I have to be mad at you - oh wait,” she trails off.  
  
“Fine,” Charity replies petulantly, turning to look at Vanessa for the first time since she got home, “How was your day?” She manages, trying to sound as genuine as possible, resisting the urge to unleash her sharp tongue at the person who deserves it the least.  
  
“Do you even care to know?” Vanessa’s voice is not as biting as it was a moment ago, and the anger that was just there sounds a little bit more like disappointment.  
  
“Well, I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t, would I?”  
  
Vanessa pauses before she responds, “It was fine, I guess - just ran around after Rhona all day, don’t think she’s coping well at all.”  
  
“Well, that’s what you get for being with a man like Graham, I guess-”  
  
“Charity!”  
  
“What, it’s true!” Charity replies, and she realizes it’s the wrong thing to say as soon as the words come out of her mouth.

Because Vanessa’s shooting daggers at her again.  
  
She should know better at this point, to bite her tongue and not say anything that worsens her case no matter how true she thinks what she’s saying is. She should know better than to blurt out all these things that she knows is going to piss Vanessa off. She should be keeping her mouth shut, not taking her frustrations out on Vanessa and pushing her away. 

Vanessa deserves better than that.  
  
“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” Vanessa shakes her head and crosses her arms in front of her, “My best friend’s partner just died - the person she was about to build a future with just turned up dead, Charity - and all you have to contribute is snide little comments about how awful he was? Aren’t you even a little sympathetic?”  
  
“Well what do you want me to say, babe?” Charity’s just being stubborn now and she knows it. Can’t help it. “You and I both know she’s better off without him.” She challenges, “You can’t say you don’t agree with me on that one.”  
  
Vanessa swallows, and Charity watches as she takes a deep breath to keep her simmering anger at bay. “You know you don’t always have to say everything you think.” She jeers, and it _actually_ makes Charity feel bad. But she can’t bring herself to stop talking.  
  
“Well you know me,” Charity snipes back, her words dripping with sarcasm, and at the weight of Vanessa’s glare, she finally snaps. “Oh go on then, if you’ve got something to say, Vanessa, just say it.”  
  
“I just don’t get you sometimes,” Vanessa pouts, lifting a hand to her face to take her reading glasses off and places it carefully on top of the book on her bedside table. She pinches the space between her eyebrows to try and soothe the tension between her eyes and Charity can tell that Vanessa’s just as tired of all this fighting, wants more than anything for the two of them to just go back to where they were last week, all loved up and ready to promise each other forever.  
  
There’s something in the way Vanessa’s looking at her that Charity can’t name, and it does nothing but feed into that horrible panic she’s been feeling for days now. It makes Charity want to lash out even more, brings up awful memories from her past - of the way she’s pushed away every single person she’s ever loved for one reason or another - sometimes just for the sake of it. She doesn’t like that she’s doing it to Vanessa. 

It’s not all that easy though - _it never has been for her_ \- because it’s difficult to deprogram years worth of coping mechanisms, and every day is still a battle to be the best version of herself she can be. 

Sometimes she still loses to herself, even when she tries to fight it.  
  
But it's not all bad all the time, it’s not even that hard sometimes. When she’s around Vanessa, it’s almost _too_ easy to drop the tough-girl act and show her true colours instead, especially when she’s faced with that special brand of Vanessa Woodfield's kindness. It’s evolved over the years, and it’s not so much in her words these days - it’s more in the way she always sticks by Charity. It’s in the way Vanessa keeps coming back to her even when Charity’s given her every reason not to.  
  
So Charity's going to try. If Vanessa can do it for her even when she makes it utterly impossible, Charity will do the same. She’s going to try her hardest to be the woman Vanessa deserves, even if every bone in her body fights for her to do the opposite.  
  
“Alright,” She sits up straighter and there's a conviction in her tone when she speaks, “Which part?” She crosses her leg in front of her, uses her hands as leverage to shift her weight until she’s fully facing Vanessa, who’s looking at her with a confused expression on her face, “No seriously, babe, which part don’t you get? So I can explain, how about we actually talk about this instead of biting each other’s heads off every 5 minutes, yeah? How’s that for an idea? We can keep fighting if that’s what you want, but if you wanna talk? I’ll listen.”

And just like that, she’s rendered Vanessa speechless. For the first time in days, she doesn’t have a quick comeback for Charity. Instead, her eyes widen and her lips clamp together. Every second she doesn’t speak feels like an eternity to Charity.  
  
“Babe?” Charity prompts again when Vanessa doesn't respond for a while, leaning forward slightly until she’s within Vanessa’s field of vision to get her attention. Vanessa looks up at her then, seems to consider her words for another second before she finally breaks her silence.  
  
“Okay, uhm - well, for starters, why won’t you go to the police? If it’s not about the money, why won’t you just tell them what happened?” Vanessa sits up now, shifting to face Charity from her side of the bed, “If you just told the truth-”  
  
“No offence, babe,” Charity says, and she bites her lip when Vanessa raises her eyebrows at her in warning, “I’m not saying this to be patronizing, alright? But I really don’t think you’ve been dealing with the same kind of cops my lot deals with on a regular basis, yeah?”  
  
“That’s not fair.” Vanessa shakes her head.  
  
“I’m not being funny, Ness, with my record, if I so much as breathe a word to the cops it’ll probably be at least a night in jail. That’s the best case scenario. I sorted it, alright - please try not to worry about the money, yeah?” Charity explains, “I know that's not what you want to hear, and I know I shouldn’t have taken it in the first place, but it’s done now. I did it for Ryan because it was the only thing I could think of at the time that would show Graham what's what. We covered our bases. If the cops come sniffing we’ve got our stories straight, alibi and all, so if that’s what you’re worried about, it’s all sorted.”  
  
“What about the lying?” Vanessa asks next, and there’s a weight that presses against Charity’s chest when she hears this particular question, “I asked you point blank what you were doing that day and you lied to me. Again.”  
  
“I told you the truth eventually, didn’t I?” Charity tries lightheartedly, her tone genuine.  
  
“Only because you had to!” Vanessa exclaims loudly before she catches herself and lowers her voice, ”You wouldn’t have told me otherwise.”  
  
“Yes I would ha-”  
  
“No, you wouldn’t have. And we both know it.” She's frowning now, and there are tears are brimming in her eyes when Charity looks at her, but she quickly blinks them away before they fall, “So why then, why did you lie to me when that was the one thing you promised me you’d never do again?”  
  
“Ness.”  
  
“Please, Charity,” Vanessa begs, ”You said ask. So I’m asking. Don’t lie to me.” She says through gritted teeth.  
  
“I didn’t know how to tell you, alright?" Charity huffs, "It was supposed to be our wedding day, and I was _so_ excited, and you were _so_ happy and that was supposed to be it. We’d waited so long for that day and I wanted more than anything to be married to you - still do, for the record - but then I found Ryan and he was so upset that I just had to do something. I wasn’t thinking straight. I knew it was stupid but I did what had to be done. And then I got home and saw you and the kids and I was worried you’d think I chose money over you again. Which isn’t the case at all, by the way. It wasn’t about the money. You have to believe me when I say it was never about the money. It was about getting Ryan justice.”  
  
“I know, and I get that part,” Vanessa whines, “and I don’t like it when you do stuff like that, I really don't, but I get why you do it. All I ever ask is that you think about me and the kids before you commit a petty crime like that, which I guess you did this time," She rolls her eyes, "but you still lied to me. You looked me in the eye and served me lies on a silver platter, Charity. That’s what you did. Don’t you think I deserve the truth without having to corner you into telling me?”  
  
“Of course you do, Ness,” Charity reaches out for Vanessa’s hand, laces their fingers together before shifting closer until their knees bump against each other. Her other hand moves to Vanessa’s chin, gently lifts her face up so Charity can look straight into Vanessa’s eyes for what she says next. She needs Vanessa to know she means it. “I’m sorry, babe. You have to know that. I'm so sorry, and if there's anything I can do to fix it, you tell me, because I'll do whatever," She pauses before she says her next words, "You deserve better. You deserve so much better than me."  
  
“I don't want better than you, Charity, don’t you get that? I've said it a billion times, it’s not about whether or not we're good enough for each other,” Vanessa says, and Charity marvels at Vanessa's innate ability to make her feel safe and secure even when everything seems to be going so wrong. Charity often takes that for granted. “I meant it when I said we could get through anything as long as you told me the truth. I won’t be happy if you do daft things like nick a bag of cash but I knew what I was getting into when I started all of this with you, so I can handle that. What I can’t handle is the lying - when you lie to me it makes me feel like you don’t trust me. I don’t like that feeling.”  
  
“I just can’t help it sometimes,” Charity answers quickly, but she catches herself and shakes her head, “That’s not an excuse. You deserve the truth. And I’ll tell you the truth, okay? It might take me a minute, but I’ll tell you the truth. I’ll always tell you the truth.”   
  
Vanessa nods, and when she speaks there’s a crack in her voice that cleaves Charity’s heart in two, “You used to trust me, you know,” She whispers sadly, “You trusted me with things you never told anyone before, and it wasn't even just the heavy stuff. You used to tell me everything - when stuff happened to you, when you did stuff - even if you knew I wouldn't be happy - like when Cain kissed you, you told me straight away. And Lisa’s secret, keeping that from me nearly killed you. What changed?”  
  
“My drunk-ex planting one on me isn’t exactly the same as me stealing some cash on our wedding day, is it, babe?” Charity says jokingly. Vanessa’s eyes are boring into hers, and suddenly she feels the urge to tell Vanessa everything. Show Vanessa all her cards instead of keeping them close to her chest. Offer her an olive branch. Make her understand how much Charity loves her, even if she has a really funny way of showing it. “I guess, I don’t know - I didn’t want to disappoint you again. I want to be married to you so badly and I went and screwed up our wedding day, _of all days,_ and I just - I didn’t want to break your heart.” She ponders for a moment, “But I guess - by lying to you I did exactly that, didn't I?”  
  
“A little bit, yeah,” Vanessa flashes her a sad smile, but there’s a hint of understanding behind it now. The anger in her eyes is barely there and if Charity squints, the disappointment is almost gone, “I get that it’s hard for you to be honest sometimes, Charity, I do, but there’s nothing I hate more than lying. I spent the first half of my life being fed empty promises by my dad - and I know you're not him, I know it's not the same - but that’s not how I want to spend the rest of my life, and that’s not what I want for my kids either.”  
  
“I know, and I get that-”  
  
“And I can't pretend I won't be angry when you steal or do stupid stuff, it would be a bit weird if I wasn’t, really,” Vanessa sighs, looking up at Charity earnestly, “But I’d never turn my back on you over stuff like that. But the lies, they’ve got to stop.”  
  
“They will.” Charity says firmly, and she means it. “I promise you, they will.” She pauses, stroking her thumb over their joint hands, her voice breaking when she speaks, “I love you so much, Ness. So much.”  
  
“Just show me.” Vanessa replies, and her hold on Charity’s hand tightens as she leans forward until their foreheads touch. “Show me.”  
  


**


End file.
